Snoring can be a problem (crime?)
Published: Sunday, September 26th, 2004
It was a real sonic boom the other night, honest. It was not me. It really wasn’t. This time I have witnesses. OK, OK, I might snore a little bit, although I’m still hesitant to admit I do. Just to be sure, I stayed up all night the other night to see if I snored, and I didn’t catch myself snoring once. Even if I do snore (and you did not hear me admit it outright), I don’t think it is at the level my wife says it is. I mean, it couldn’t be. She claims that my snoring is louder than the sound of those cars that have the big bass on the car stereo systems set so loud - You know the ones, I think they are called “boom cars.” She says that they won’t even come around our street anymore after dark because they’re afraid I’m going to drown them out with my snores. While I think that is an exaggeration, I did notice that I hadn’t heard them very much lately, but I really didn’t think it was my fault. It couldn’t be. Could it? Town officials have gotten in the act recently and claimed that my neighbors have complained about someone using an unmuffled chainsaw late at night inside our house. One time the neighbors actually sent the police by thinking someone was being dismembered. The patrolman said that the neighborhood residents mentioned they were thinking about taking up a collection for medical expenses for the person injured by the chainsaw. When they heard that it was merely me snoring a little, they transferred the money raised to a fund to buy my wife ear plugs and a headphone set that broadcasts “white noise” to counteract the din. They actually got more raised than they did for the dismemberment. There is a rumor that the fund will next be used to get my wife a bedroom on the other side of town. Honestly, even though I don’t feel the problem is that bad, I have tried just about every product to compensate for the loud breathing problem that I may share with the rest of the world now and then when I sleep. I tried sleeping on my back, both sides and on my face. My wife suggested that I try sleeping with my face under a pillow with her pushing down on it, but it was late at night, and she was laughing hysterically at the time so I didn’t take her too seriously. I have also used those little Band Aid type strips you put across the bridge of your nose, the ones that make a person look like a professional football player sitting on the sidelines of a game? The only problem was I kept dreaming I was being tackled by the front line of the Philadelphia Eagles and then being piled on and pummeled by the rest of the team. I even noticed I was waking up black and blue. Talk about realistic dreams! My wife solemnly assures me the bruises aren’t from the baseball bat she’s been keeping under the bed lately. I have even contemplated sleeping in a different room to give my wife a break from the constant noise. I asked her which room would she prefer I sleep in so the noise wouldn’t bother her. “How about one in Utah?” was her response. The pharmacist suggest I take some pills for the problem and I even tried those, but the little pills kept rolling out of my nose about the time I dozed off. I probably could get by with the situation the way it is now, but a new problem has arisen. Lately when I look out our bedroom window in the morning right after I wake up, I’ve noticed what looks like four or five love struck moose in our back yard. You don’t suppose it could be my snoring, do you?
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