A man alone can handle it
Published: Saturday, November 20th, 2004
I think I speak for men everywhere when I say, I resent the impression which wives seem to have about husbands - that if they leave us alone in the house for any extended length of time, like, say, a couple of days, we can’t function. We can indeed function...and function quite well, I might add. By the way, how do you get that pink color out when you’ve washed your new, best white shirt with your red socks? Also, is wool really supposed to shrink that much? I mean, weren’t we bachelors before we married, and didn’t we survive well enough for you at some point to decide you wanted to marry us? I know, I know, there was the pity factor, but still, you did want to marry us. That’s what you said, don’t deny it. Did you know that a microwave doesn’t work too well after you try to cook a can of tamales in it? Actually, did you know not much of anything in the kitchen works after you try to cook a can of tamales in the microwave. Wives seem to think that once we’ve said, “I do,” at the wedding, it’s not long after it becomes, “I can’t do anything.” I find that insulting and patronizing. We as a sex can be educated and experienced in a variety of skills. Does anybody know of a way of getting grape juice out of a white pile carpet after about four days of putting a couch over it so nobody would notice? I should point out, if wives didn’t have their friends check on us to make sure everything was all right, we wouldn’t have to put couches over the grape juice stains in the first place. I sometimes wonder if John Wayne’s wife treated her husband like this? or Rockefeller’s wife? or Einstein’s? I can just hear Mrs. Einstein. “I’m sure E=MC2 is important, dear, but this time don’t try to dry the poodle in the oven and don’t wear your golf spikes on the new linoleum.” I think most wives feel that the reason men have been sent off to war for centuries instead of women is that if women were sent and men remained behind to take care of the house, there would quickly be nothing to defend. In the space of days, the home front would be in shambles and the enemy wouldn’t want the place anyway because of what we did to it. I have often heard my wife say that she thinks nuclear devices were discovered when some man tried to unclog a grabage disposal and as usual it got out of hand. My wife went to Albuquerque recently for a few days and since I have to put out the newspaper, I was unable to go with her and If I do say so myself, I am doing quite well taking care of things. Has anyone seen a couple of mildly singed Siamese cats wandering the streets looking a little confused? OK, OK, may a bit more than “mildly” singed and maybe a bit more than a “little” confused. I’m sure a lot of people have cat-related, bug-zapper accidents in the kitchen. Don’t they? Can I help it that the fire department made a big deal out of this one? History has many examples of men left at home who have done quite well - causing no disasters. None come readily to mind right now, but I’m sure there are some. As I said, men are just as capable as women at functioning on their own, and as soon as the flames die down in the bathroom, I will set about proving it. I just hope my second day taking care of the house on my own while my wife is gone, goes half as well as the first.
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