New view of first Thanksgiving
Published: Sunday, November 28th, 2004
This weekend following Thanksgiving I thought it would be a good time to release a document that was recently discovered by archeologists from the Acme School of Home Archeology near Plymouth, Massachusetts. According to the experts involved with the discovery, this could be one of the most important documents to come out of that area dealing with the Native Americans’ acceptance of the Pilgrims on that first Thanksgiving Day. The archeologists have discovered the minutes from the tribal meeting dealing with offering help and food to the Pilgrims on that fateful day in November. Chairman Chief Wilted Flower: “Once again the vote stands with a tie of 3-3 whether to bail these people out and actually give them food or let them starve.” Mr. Beaver Who Walks Silly: “Mr. Chairman, I still say no. What do we know about these people anyway? My cousin’s wife said they all are gay and I believe it. Have you seen the men’s clothes? - tall stove-pipe hats, cute little white collars, poofy shirts and buckles on their shoes - on their shoes for heaven’s sake. I mean how gay can you be?” Mr. Jump in Lake at 20 Below: “Yeah, and another thing, they claim to be religious, but I ask you how many of you have ever seen them dance around a fire? How religious can they be? Sounds like their giving us a load of deer sign if you ask me.” Mr. Belly Like a Walrus: “Well, to be fair, there was that one time the one called Standish had the ember blow into his pantaloons. He danced really well for about 10 minutes until he jumped into the river, although I’ve never gotten a satisfactory translation of his words at the time, but we did have rain for two weeks afterwards. Clearly, he reached some gods.” Chairman Wilted Flower: “Gentlemen, we have got to consider if this will set some sort of precedent in treatment of this sort of person. Will they expect this every year. If I know these people, and I think I do, I think I can say, if you start giving them handouts to help them through this year they going to want it regularly.” Mr. Head that Shines Like Cue Ball: “Hey, get real guys, there are about 75 of these clowns. What kind of threat are they, huh? Next you’re going to tell me they’re going to wipe us off the continent. If you believe that I have an island next to the East River I will sell you for $24 in junk jewelry. Besides, if we work this right we might even convince them to come into our casinos and drop some serious bucks, er, um I mean money.” Chairman Wilted Flower: “Well, you might have a point. But if we do vote to take them food. Let’s not take them any good food No steaks, no French fries, no venison, no green chili stew. We don’t want them to starve to death on our land, but we don’t want them to stay either. What’s that tasteless bird that keeps eating our corn? From the Crowd: “Turkey, sir?” Chairman Wilted Flower: “Yeah, turkey. We’ll dump some of those on them and tell them it’s a delicacy. Let the minutes show the chair thanks Mr. From the Crowd for his suggestion. What else can we dump on these people? Anybody got any old corn? How about some of those potatoes that got all smashed when we were cleaning out the rec hall? I suppose if we pour something over them so they don’t look so mashed up, they might buy it.” From the Crowd: “What about yams, sir?” Chairman Wilted Flower: “They will never go for a stringy, squishy orange root that tastes sickeningly sweet and has a name like ‘yams’. Not even the white men are that innocent.” The rest of the minutes are illegible but at least we do have this portion of the historic document - just another thing for which to be thankful.
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